It's ironic, isn't it? You spend years trying not to get pregnant, because 'the time isn't right', 'we haven't saved enough' or 'we should wait until after we're married'. Then when all those things are taken care of, you stop trying not to get pregnant and you start actively trying...and then nothing happens. Some people are lucky and it happens in a reasonable amount of time (like a friend of mine who fell pregnant their first month trying). For others, like me, it doesn't seem like it will ever happen...
We thought we'd wait a while before seeing a doctor - maybe we just needed more practice? Maybe my body is still getting used to being off the pill? Maybe we didn't try at the right times this month? So we waited to see the doctor. The next time I was in for something else I thought I would just bring it up. I still remember the look she gave me and the words she said "I think if you lost some weight it will just happen on it's own."
I hadn't thought my weight would be that much of an issue. Sure I was very overweight. More than very. At over 150kg, I was easily in the Morbidly Obese category in those charts you see. But I remember thinking "But I see very overweight mothers all the time". I hadn't considered that my weight might be stopping us from having the one thing we wanted so desperately - to have a family.
Over the next year or so, I tried pretty hard to diet and lose some weight. I would lose close to 5kg and then put it back on. It was an endless loop. Meanwhile, things at work were stressful and I was finding things all the time to distract me from our baby goal.
We went to a seminar for IVF and found out that I wouldn't even be treated because of my weight. A healthy weight is one of the first criteria to come up every time. I understand the reasons why, it just makes me sad to think about because up until this point, losing enough weight to be in the 'healthy range' just seemed unrealistic for someone that has been overweight all of their life.
According to Weight Watchers, my goal weight for my height is 47-52kg. If that's not a way to feel defeated right from the start, I don't know what is.
A couple of doctors along the way suggested gastric banding (also known as lap banding) and it honestly scared the crap out of me. The thought of being cut open, to put a device around my stomach to restrict my eating, is very scary.
It wasn't until around March, when P said that his doctor had given him a referral to see a surgeon to talk about a gastric sleeve operation, that I considered surgery again. When I found out in July that I was pre-diabetic, that's when I made a decision to go and see a surgeon myself.
I am now about 3 months away from lap band surgery. I got my surgery date the other day - February 6, 2015. It's scary and exciting but I'm hoping it will be the thing to turn our lives around and help us realise our dream of becoming parents. Actually, not just becoming parents, but being healthy, happy and energetic parents of a couple of rugrats. That would be unreal.
Anyway, although this blog is really just for me to get my thoughts out there, I hope I can maybe meet a few people and get to chatting with you. So feel free to leave me comments - just be gentle please! :-)